and when she speaks
Saturday, July 22, 2006
had a chat wif mummy few daes ago. chatted about alot of things.. family.. skul work.. relationships.. money.. im actuali very tired but i hardly haf any chance to tok to her like tis. so i rather sacrifice my sleeping time. ya she's right.. loving somebody doesnt need to be tgt with them.. as long as he is happy.. if that person is happier with someone else.. den should let him go.. but of cos i am not as generous as my mum.. to let my dad go. while we're chatting, we cried tgt. seeing her cry makes my heart hurts.. but sometimes she jus dun uds me.. she jus scolded me like nobody's biz 5 mins ago.. im fucking pissed off with her. but, i cant do anything cos she's my mum. well sometimes i reali feel so unfair for her. but tis kinda things are all fated. and she suddenly asked me about terence. i dun even noe how to ans her.. and she even asked me izit tat he let me down in some wae. i covered up and said no. i jus dun wanna let her worry so much. haiz. everyone tells me their probs.. DEN WHO LISTENS TO MY PROBLEMS ? but wad to do.. they're my family.. i dun listen.. who listen... my mum.. bro.. da sao.. all throw their probs at me.. i wish i could help too.. when im doing proj tt dae, dad asked me to go to bed. even if i haven finish my work, jus go to bed. i told him i cant.. if i dun do.. means only derek will be doing. den the whole grp will die.. im reali very depressed about projects n started to cry while toking to him.i reli had enuff. everyone's true color is starting to show.. well i will not put hopes n trust in anyone again. aiya, forget it la. how can u find true frens in nafa ? everyone is jus using each other n wearing a mask everydae. jus fuck off can. dun act in front of me.. i'll see by the end of second yr how drastically my class will change. LETS SEE. every new term, new things will happen, new grps will be formed. and i actuali saw a change in smth ald.. but i dun wanna sae, so pls DUN ask. im fucking disappointed! only one person noe wads going on and how i feel.. it reali hurts. on fridae, the pain i felt is reali.... ahh it cant be described. hais. from now on, i'll jus care for myself. the rest, none of my biz ald.. wanted to go dxo but suddenly cancelled off. so i went home as i haf no where to go. dun realli feel like going home tt dae cos my mood is reali v bad.. but no choice. no one to go out wif me so i jus haf to go home. reached home for less den one hr den i went to town again. went to watch pirates of the caribbean wif roger. we waited 3 hrs for that show to start cos its all sold out. tat person oso very funny wan lo. he said theres actuali 2 more seats at the 11pm slot. but the seats are separated. -.- wtf. den still tell us for wad? brainless. when we're about to head for supper, he found out tt his car key lost. -_- so we rush back to find again. haha. lucky shit he found back. and we went to geylang to haf tau huey n you tiao. reached home at 5am. lucky mum din find out or else i sure get scolding.. ya fuck she's scolding me now. why cant she uds me abit.. scolded me for not helping her doing hsework even i got no skul. its not tt she duno i got alot of work to do. i cant take it ald la. sae its useless to haf a child like me. if im reali tt useless i wun even tink of buying her fav tidbits when i pass by. and when i tell her tis sentence, she can even sae, i dun need u to do tat! fine then.. i'll gif up everything.. my family.. my studies.. u.. in my eyes, there's only me. and let me tell u that.. i haf become like tat is all becos of u all, fucking cheebye!stop flirting with me, im giving up on u. disappointed.
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HER
thoughts
10:34 AM;;
Monday, July 17, 2006
monday bluessssss. feeling quite sad, but i dun wana mention the reason. reali under depression mode.. im veryyy stressed with my skul work. in such a short time and i havent completed any subject. and we're mostly on group projects. should be completed in a faster rate right.. bt seriously, last term when its still individual work, by tis time i had ald finished most of the subjects .. skul work is already a heavy burden to me, but relationship thingys choose to make me suffer even more at this critical period. hey i noe its not the time to sae bout relationship things but feelings jus cant be controlled. thou im trying hard. anywae, i think he's realli dumb. he should noe my character is not like this wad. mus be SOMETHING that made me do this. dumb enuff to sae that to me. ahhh forget it. but seriously i hope the ''little devil'' in me vanish soon. its smth i SHOULDNT haf. wadeverrrr.. izit whenever u're feeling down wadever things tt u do will turn out bad ? my photo taking SUCKS BIG TIME today. im prepared to gif up. i dun even noe wad am i taking. newaes, i dunno whether i should sleep anot. im feeling quite tired nw at 240am. and im waking up at 7 plus.. i haven finish editing photos for photography lesson, but im still here to blog in order to relieve some stress. though it doesnt help much, but at least abit. since ive got no one to tok to, i should tok to my blog. fuuuuck! i reali feel like giving up in everything! i feel so tired.. haven been resting well.. my brain too.. hais.. anyone in the same boat as me ? its so SUDDEN.
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HER
thoughts
11:20 AM;;
Sunday, July 16, 2006
woots. friday was fun! dxo dxo dxo. i dun care i wanna go next fri again. =) was laughing for the whole night. DXO MISS BIKINI CONTESTANT NUMBER 15. SHE SURE WIN! HAHAHA. damn hilarious i tell u. and there's kong ba pau oso. pig trotter. lolololol... my intestines almost burst. damn funny. we took some photos.. and i hope time reali stop at that moment! till now no one can be compared to them. still my gurls.. the feeling is jus so different. hee.. memories flash back to our sec skul daes. how fun it is. zq came to join us too.. been such a long time since i saw her.. i wun forget tt moment in the toilet.. hahahaha. her expression so funny.. damn fun!!
i vomitted AGAIN. and tell alot of things to my mum.. tat i couldnt sae. and got a lecture from her the next dae. haha.. told her bout the night club thing n TAT ting.. but nvm la.. since its jus a lecture from her den its ok.. den i;ve got nth to hide from her ald..
hmm.. ive got lots of projects to rush. assessment reaching ald. help ! ahh.. having a bad mood now..
YOU MAKE ME WANNA.
how true...
there's a joke behind this foto. wahaha.
we are so retarded. but i like! lol
wei.me
candid
HIGH mode.
=)
wei, jenny, ming
wei, lin
toilets.. hah
lian damn pretty!
i like tis. like MTV. haha
lian, lin, wei, jenny
lin, lian
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HER
thoughts
8:54 AM;;
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
hmm.. its been a long time since i blog.. have been tooooo busy. lotsa projects to rush as assessment week is jus 2 weeks away. dead. im reali tired.. i slept at about 7am in the morning ytd jus to get my work done, and i woke up at bout 9 plus. tell me how can i not feel tired? i jus hate it when assessment week is reaching. and i'll look damn ugly. haha.
looking forward to fridae. =) i missed them so much!
im kinda disappointed in my own work. i duno whether its becos of the time constrain, or because my skills realli aren't that good anymore. and i made a very big mistake by trying to make the powerpoint slides look fancyful. and upon hearing wad he commented, i felt kinda sad too.. becos i reali spent alot of time and effort(realli....though there is not much slides), trying to make it look nice.. bt its good tat he gave such comments too... so that i can improve.. i felt so stress. i hate grp work.
we went to ps after skul. basically we did nth~ but damn funny lah ! hahahahhahahaa. tok cock dae. all retards.. and im oso one of them. hehehe. once agn, im broke.. ahhh- duno wad should i do.. im jus too tired.. its bed time!
`missed u. =(
done by me, for "LUCY'S" work. haha. theme- horror
done by ilmi. theme- action. LOL. immortal. and look at erica ! lol...
first love? hahaha. not by my grp, but im the model for randy's grp. theme-romance.
my birthday cake. bought by mummy n bro. =)
we jus cant stop being retarded. hahaha.
alrite.. night..
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HER
thoughts
11:06 AM;;
Sunday, July 02, 2006
went to minds cafe with lin shu n kel ytd. i jus felt so weird. hais wadever. quite a nice place to slack and kill time. we spent half of our dae there.. they went home but i still dun feel like going home. going back to a empty house is damn meaningless to me. i rather be alone outside.. even if i haf nowhre to go.. i dun even feel like going home. my prob is getting serious.. my heart felt so heavy.. i reali cant cry even im feeling down.. do u noe its reali very tired to hate someone? after so long, i finally saw him. to be happy or upset, i reali duno. i missed him. i want to hug him like how i used to. i still love him.. i couldnt forget him. i failed. im a weakling becos i jus couldnt be strong.. my frens gave me encouragement.. asked me to be strong.. forget about the past and tink of the future.. seriously i reali cant. i... i cant live without him.. alot of things kept on reminding me of him... its so nice to be happy u noe? but y do i choose to live in agony. why cant i be like him? after breaking up, he can forget everything.. everything we once had.. even when we're not tgt.. those memories.. i dun haf the right to have feelings.. becos i cant let go. i dont noe how to let go. my heart reali breaks to see him being so happy wif his gurl. the tissue box reminds me of the tissue box i gave u. rmb those things i told u when u run out of tissue ? u rmb u said if i wanna go hongkong u will go wif me ? u said even if im only making use of u, u will still continue to let me do tat cos its all worth it. u told me if one dae nobody wants me, go to u. u'll definately be the one... all these words are enough to kill me... u said u wanna bring me to msia... u said u'll wait for me to go to ur hse den we finish that bottle of vodka tgt.. i may be childish to think about all tis.. but dun care if ppl tink im childish.. cos i still haven see the ending point of my love for u... y am i such a failure......... i noe myself very well tat i cant take it anymore but i still wanna prove to him tat i can live without him... howwwwwwwwwwwwwwww............................................. it is reali tormenting!!!!!!!!! i have a very silly thinking tat came acoss my mind jus nw.... i was tinking tat if ....... den he wouldnt be able to leave me anymore... y haf u made my life so miserable.... i looked into the mirror and laughed to myself " how pathetic u are " yea.. how pathetic i am... no perfect family, no friends, alwaes the one being cheated. how pathetic can i be ? ytd when they went home, i was tinking.... who should i call ? where should i go ? wad should i do ? fuck. i want to die. sometimes i reali got the urge of dying... life is beautiful? bullshit. maybe to others but definately not to me. my life was never beautiful... maybe once. when i still haf my sods with me... everything seems nth to me anymore.. everyone, can leave me for all u want. since im ald so pathetic... it doesnt matter having a few frens lesser. i dun need anyone. i dun need ur sympathy. even going out... i have to call other ppl to acc me. I REALLY CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. MAYBE ONE DAE WHEN I'VE REALLY REACHED THAT LIMIT.... I WILL LEAVE TIS WORLD. SUCH PPL LIKE ME CANT LIVE IN TIS WORLD. maybe i shld be the one hu fuck off. not u.
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HER
thoughts
8:49 AM;;
Thursday, June 29, 2006
its very late now, but i wanna blog before i sleep. few daes ago is my birthdae, but seriously i dun feel anything. not even happy at all.. cos im very sleepy. hahaha. but anywae, wads the big deal about birthdae. haha. nothing to get excited about.. its not as if money will drop from sky tat dae, not as if eveyrthing is free tat dae. and not as if everyone will be my slave tt dae. lol.. but anywae, i still wanna thank my frens la.. derek, erica, randy, kimyong and yeesheng for celebrating it wif me.. i dun even planned to eat smth good. but they bring me to swensens.. and there's still a surprise cake. haha.. so touched.. thanks a million. reali appreciate! all tis would be enuff.. i dun need to haf any grand bd celebration.. cos i tink its craps. hahaha. anywae sometimes i even tink tt ppl tt are not reali tat close to me.. treats me even better den my close frens do.. wadz past will be the past la. not going to sae much cos i noe blogging alwaes get ppl into trouble.. so to prevent myself from getting into unnecessary trouble, maybe i shouldnt sae much. ppl will sometimes misunderstand wad i sae... and somehow there will be KPO ppl in this world finding some trouble for me.. if u start tinking whether im refering to u anot, maybe its time to clear all ur sins. cos ur conscience is not clear! hehehe. but for some ppl, no many how many times u clear ur sins.. the mark will alwaes be there.. so nv do anything bad! recently, there's some conflict in our class.. i dun care how others tink about me. but if i tink u've been a bitch.. den dun blame me for not giving u any face. i hate liars.. i dun understand why my current class is full of BASTARDS, JACKASS, LIARS, FUCKERS N HYPOCRITES. haha.. i nv bluff.. tis is the worst class i've been to. alot of fake ppl... all took away my trust in them... fuck. and i'll nv be a good soul again.. cos everytime i tried to be someone nice, i got bitten. i hate my class to the core. if u're someone from my class n unhappy wif wad i jus write... fuck off. at least i speak my mind. not like u..... hypocrite.. something is very wrong wif my class la. haha.. class of fuckers. lol.. alright, i admit im one of the fuckers. but if not becos of those ppl, i wouldnt be one. some people jus dont know how to hate and wad it is to hate someone... i reali wished i haf the ability to do that.. n haf the ability to be gracious.. forgive n forget.. too bad i cant.. its getting late. good night.. ` pls let me go.... i felt like i have to stick wif u forever. but i hope tt u let me go...
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HER
thoughts
1:57 PM;;
Sunday, June 25, 2006
been very unhappy lately.. duno hw to cheer up.. anywae, derek n randy.. thanks for being there.. i really appreciated.. dun worry bout me ya. i wun do anything silly.. =) stress from skul is getting heavier. i hope i will be able to cope wif it. today is ald 25th.. 2 more daes will be my big dae.. but it means nth to me.. i dun feel anything.. and even thinking tat the closer the date it is to me, the more i feel sad. i dun planned to celebrate at all.. even if i planned to celebrate.. who the fuck will come ? who the fuck gives the damn shit about me ? besides kailin yishu n kelvin u tell me who will even bother to come? anywae its not important anymore la.. its jus another normal dae to me.. jus tt im jus a yr older.. it makes no big difference. soon i'll be used to be alone. ytd when i went out alone, someone asked me wad are frens for ? i feel like asking back.. ya wad are frens for ?! frens... everyone seems to be drifting away. tell me who are my true frens. i thought that... i wun die without a bf. wads the point of having a bf.. i dun mind.. at least i still have friends.. now.. even frens seemed to be so far away from me.. tis world is so fucking unfair and cruel. jus fuck off. i dreamt of smth so real. it cant be explained by words but i can really feel the pain.. of losing my own baby. when i wake up i was even wondering whether its real anot.. but luckily its all a dream......
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HER
thoughts
1:12 AM;;
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
i dun understand myself anymore. perhaps im the one who haf a split personality instead. night haf to come, friends haf to go, i still haf to be alone. avoiding reality cant be eternal. cruelty still haunts u at the end of the day. why cant i be like a normal girl ? i had enuff of myself.. im making myself miserable. when can i learn to let go and take things easy ? its easier to be said then to get it done. i admit im jus acting like everything is over, trying to be strong. how long will i take to get over all these? i find myself too contradicting. sometimes i seriously wished tt he's dead. sometimes i wished tt there is a reset button for us. thinking of the sweetest moments we shared reali smittens my heart and made my heart s miled but a sec later, to come to think that everything is jus a lie, i wished i could kill him immediately. i think it will be difficult for me to let anyone walk into my heart again. i hope the seal will nv open again. i dun mind being alone for the rest of my life. perhaps my thinking might change somedae, but tats wad i think now. i thought of something jus nw. tat really hurts my heart. but since i cant undo it, i shld forget it. i alwaes believed god planned everything for us. when to be blissed, when to suffer, who i should meet, and what i haf decided.. but i dun uds why must he plan it this wae. tormenting enough for me.. i've sealed it and i'll keep everything inside again. wads the point of saying anywae. well, its true that wad goes around, comes around. bt the karma is reali a great one. seriously wad is life about? maybe we haf to experience the worst before we grow up and step into another stage.. den, we mus be prepared to experience another one again. is that wad tt makes a person grow up ? maybe.. i'd rather be a dog. tis yr is reali a tough yr for me... to be honest, i ald cannot take the stress im having now. of cos, not only becos of this prob.. there's alot of others.. how i wish im reali able to delete wadever tt i dun wish to haf.. maybe this is a test for me. whether im strong enuff to overcome it. anywae, glad to sae.. one of my problem is ald gone.. i felt so relieved. becos that is my biggest fear. if that were to happen, i can tell u tat i wun be able to take it and overcome it alone. but since its over, i shall thank god and learn from my mistake. pls think before doing anything. one wrong step can change my entire life. give me a chance, i wun make such stupid mistakes again. i promise ! there's still a long wae to go.. pls get out of my mind. grrrr... is there any wae to de stress or to keep me from thinking? tt time i tot of getting revenge.. not only to him, bt to every guys out there.. and wad a childish thinking of mine.. y do i tink of that ? i mean.. for wad? when izit going to end if everyone thinks of getting revenge? n by getting revenge... can it turn back time ? can it take away all my pain and make me feel better? about tis entry, dun bother to tell me.. not to tink about it anymore, dun be upset anymore... U guys noe its impossible not to tink, and.. tis time im not gonna be fake and reply Yes, i am fine. thanks for ur concern and i've stopped thinking ald.. that is so fake and disgusting!
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HER
thoughts
11:30 AM;;
Sunday, June 18, 2006
feeling quite emo today. haha. becos of the final fantasy video randy showed me. jus feel so emo for the whole dae la. lol..
went to esplanade and orchard to take photos on friday. with two bodyguards.. wad a tiring dae. went to holland v den to orchard den to esplanade. but i haven got all the photos taken. i got to take tml after skul. but we had a nice chat there.. sitting down.. looking at the river and the night scenery. enjoying the breeze.. i like to feel it that wae. jus felt so peaceful. =)
ytd watched omen with that "scary movie 4 gang" u'll uds why i sae that later. haha.. anywae i find tis show quite boring la. not nice at all. anywaez going to watch scary movie 4 on tues! hehehehe. aiya.. im lazy to blog ald. cos im watching guess 3 nw. no momentum to blog ald.
continue tml !
lols. they look funny. and randy looks like a playboy
dickson ( Ju On ) look damn funny lo. wahahas
tis is CRAP! saw tis on a website. acting like squall and rinoa. *pukes* LOL.
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thoughts
9:55 AM;;
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
its a tiring dae. im so fuckin tired. slept for only 2 hours and i haf to dig myself out of bed for morning lessons. as usual, i was late again. damn.. my skul rules sucks. late for more den half an hr, u're counted as absent. wtf. thats so unfair. half an hr isn't too much wad. and our new rule is that for one module, u can onl be absent ONCE. even if the second time u haf a mc, they will still mark u as absent. they said unless u're dying or someone else died. wtf ! tell me wad skul rules is tis?!!? and i will try not to be late and absent ald. cos if ur attendance is not good, it will deduct 5% of marks from ur assessment. i tink smth is wrong wif nafa man. i will nt to be slack anymor!
tody's lesson is a tiring wan. i tink i will borrow camera from skul in future. for photography lesson. cos my cam CMI ald. and it costs a bomb to buy a good one. wait till i strike lottery la. haha.
after skul, i went to bugis wif derek and randy.. and i wanted to collect my addidas jacket but... aiyah. so fucked up. long story la. dere goes my brown n orange jacket. =( anywae i believe one dae i will find it! or even a better wan! luckily he refund my money. if he insist tat i cannot take back, i'll burn his shop ! u idiot! stop all the bullshitting man. n thats not the wae of doing business! u can close down tat shop ald ok. boo~~~~
we went back to skul as derek if meeting esther they'll. so all of us went to town tgt. in e end its still left wif the 3 of us. lol.. anywae, i happy! cos wif my refunded money, i can buy new clothes instead! its like.. FINALLY! wahaha. i tink they must be very tired following me n waiting for me. becos i went in to almost evry shop. haha. cant blame me la. too long didnt shop ald. therefore im kind of excited jus nw. LOL. i bought my lacey belt jus nw! i jus love it so much. but i mus do smth to the bucker la. maybe i see if i can change it or wad.
i was hunting for white tops jus nw. cos all my white tops got dyed by mummy when she wash our clothes. =( its all my fav shirts! n derek saes i shouldnt alwaes wear black. ok la, i will look for more white tops! n my white 3 quarter pants. and randy bought me a white tshirt as my bdae present. thanks so much! i didnt noe that, i tot he's toking cock wif me. cos he alwaes tok cock. but when i wanted to pay den suddenly he pay for me. ya anywae, reali thanks alot. =) xiao guo~ haha.
everything was still alright before i looked for alicia. so chatted wif her awhile, n she suddenly mentioned about that bastard. n worse still, its things tt i dun wish to hear. im alwaes keeping myself busy n doing stuffs becos i dunwan to tink about anything tt is related to him. i jus wan to delete him away. im in a good process ald but when she started talking about him, everything jus like went back to zero again. after tat, i totally lost my mood. i wanted to find things to vent out my anger but i cant. so i jus remain calm, n tell myself.. he is nth to me. so i shouldnt be bothered. im proud of myself that i can walk out of this shits bravely alone. so keep it up! one dae, it will eventually be gone.
--- is who i pretend to be.
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HER
thoughts
11:03 AM;;
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